Birthday Blues
36. In two days.

Holy crap that scares me just a bit. Thinking about being that nearer to middle age is something a little unsettling. I'm sure these things are different from male to female. Men seem to measure successes by age; determining whether or not they are where they planned to be at that age, financially, socially, whatever. Women seem to be more worried about wrinkles and vericose veins. Not all, those are just the basic stereotypes.

But, I should be happy about a birthday. Gifts and attention and all that. Truth is, I can't seem to line up any type of party. And if I did, I'd probably crap out at around 11:00 pm. I just don't have the gusto for it anymore.

When I was in my twenties, I think I consumed more alcohol than is humanly allowed, slept only three hours a night, and was always in the midst of chaos. Attracted to the chaos. Now I want to avoid the chaos and be in bed by midnight (or working on my computer).

It's pretty sad, but I guess that's growing up.
- posted by Mark @ 9:59 AM

 
Journalists Cooking Stories
I'm beggining to wonder how much you can truly believe in the press anymore. I mean, I've studied journalism, and understand the pitfalls of believing everything you read in print, but it just seems that more and more false journalists are being exposed to the public. There's Stephen Glass of the New Republic, a young reporter who "cooked" up dozens of stories. Just simply made them up and then covered his tracks with falsehoods backed by vague notes. He did this to win praise and elevate his esteem. I belive they just recently made a movie about it.

Then of course the reporter from the NY Times, Jayson Blair, who was trusted by the top editors and given a lot of room to roam. He too cooked up a number of stories, making up quotes and situations, the whole time reeling in his new-found popularity and rise to the top.

And now Jack Kelley from the USA Today, who apparantly made up a whole litany of stories about his international trips and experiences on the ground with the American military and various other factions involved in the recent conflicts between countries. His editors were snowed. And now they're resigning to avoid the heat.

It's amazing that with such a "foolproof" system of checking, editing and re-checking that these stories still get published.

I think it has a lot to do with the cut-throat competition that has evolved in the industry. You have to beat your competition and make the deadline at all costs, especially with today's technology, and that seems to overshadow the importance of ensuring your story is accurate, let alone your story is worth a shit.
- posted by Mark @ 2:20 PM

 
The Last Day
Three years was a long time ago. Sometimes time flies by and you don't realize how much has transgressed. There are many monumental events; some regrettable, some forgetable, others worth cherishing for the rest of your life. It's all relative. And it all comes back to you and the relationships you have. It's all intermingled. As much as I want to be unsociable sometimes, as much as I just want to blend into the woodwork, I need to have relationships. I need the interaction, the ideas, the dialogue, the fun, the love.

A lot has happened in three years. 9-11. Iraq. A marriage. A tour of Italy. The Palestinian uprising. The death of a friend. The birth of a neice. The birth of two pseudo-neices. The start of school. The end of a job. The start of a new job.

These all defiine who you are. I hope that my frame of reference continues to grow and others step in. I can't say enough how much I want to understand the world and humanity more every single day. There just isn't enough time to soak it all in. And I don't think I have enough brain cells!

Today I say goodbye to a few. And Monday I'll say hello to a few more.
- posted by Mark @ 3:03 PM

 
Class Exercise
We just did this exercise in class - thought it would be perfect for my blog post!

Things that are important to me:
Obviously, there are those things that are essential that are important to me. These include the basics of Maslow’s theory of needs. Food, love, sleep, etc. Yes – I love sex and I love to eat. But there are many essential things that are not as tangible.

Contentment.
If I could sum it up in one word, it would be that. The feeling that no matter where you are or what you have or who you know, you’re OK; and everything else is OK. This is a difficult junction to reach and may have something to do with my never-ending curiosity and wanderlust. I feel like I keep searching for that all-relaxing moment of fulfillment. But something tells me it may never arrive.

I’ll just keep searching until I have a grand epiphany, or I die.

---

Things that bring me joy:
The tender touch of my lovely wife in the middle of the night. The feel of her warm body next to mine. The smell of coffee on a Sunday morning – with the birds singing outside the window and the newspaper on the front lawn, still moist with dew. Hiking up into the mountains with Stephanie. Taking pictures of her and the natural beauty around us.

Jamming with my friends. Just playing music and drinking beer, swearing, getting silly, not caring about anything but the music and the company and cold bottle waiting after the next song.

Playing live on stage. No greater feeling of joy. Hearing the audience scream their approval at the end of the song.



- posted by Mark @ 7:49 PM

 
Italy
Italy is perhaps the most beautiful country I've ever seen and experienced. All of the pictures that I'll be rotating on this blog I took last year on a visit through the country.

I've been to many countries in Europe, the Middle East, and North America; and Italy by far is my favorite. It is a total delight to all senses. Taste, smell, touch, see, hear. . .the fresh, natural foods; the bouquet of red wine, the feel of ancient granite, the sounds of the birds outside Rome's window. Amazing.

Perhaps it's my heritage - being of Italian descent. I've always heard how wonderful the life is. How the Italians cherish life and live a little slower.

Guess I need to learn the language and move there. I would be quite content with that! Although, I'd be fighting the Italian men away from my wife every single day. They do love the blonde American girls.
- posted by Mark @ 12:45 PM

 
Soldiers
I served in the first Gulf War. Something I used to tout when I was younger and majority sentiment favored the US's action in liberating Kuwait. I always felt we were doing something good, although it was a tough cost. Of course, I've never been completely ignorant nor brainwashed, so I knew there were major US interests at stake. And we were'nt invading Iraq just for the sake of liberating a nation taken under siege by Saddam. But I still felt proud.

Can't say the same today. Never agreed with the action that's taking place right now. There was no reason to invade Iraq other than our acrimonious president's desire to seek revenge.

There are so many angles.

I am opposed to the war, yet I am reserved in protesting too loud. Not necessarily because I have weak convictions, but because I know what it's like. I know what it's like for those guys down there on the ground. Sweating, working their asses off 24/7, risking their lives every single day. They want to believe they are there for a good and just cause. They have to. If they all thought this was a stupid idea, they would all get killed, instantly. The will to perservere would dissolve. They wouldn't be able to trudge on as required to stay alive in that hostile pit.

In the end those men and women on the ground are fighting for the fellow comrades. Many, I'm sure, understand how unjust this war is. How unnecessary. But they have to believe in something to continue. And so they fight for their brothers and sisters. To keep them alive and make sure they come home safe.

And that is really what the protesters and anti-war crusaders are all about. Bringing home our people safe. Don't let them die - leaving a wake of grieving, empty families, lifetime scars - for one administration's pet peeve. It's bullshit. Those kids just want to do something with their lives and the patriotic calling had good timing. It did for me.

I think about all the people I served with and how incredible they are. I still keep in touch with many of them. Most have evolved enough to see things more clearly. I don't know what I'd do if I lost one of them. It would be crushing. And that's what our troops are dealing with every day.


- posted by Mark @ 9:11 AM

 
The Mall
I spent some time walking around downtown Seattle today. Just on a lunch break. I do that from time to time. There's something about the city streets that beckon. I want to wander out, observe, listen in, perhaps converse.

I hung out on 3rd and Pike for a bit, then 4th and Pike. Seems to be the central gathering for the despondants of the city. The down-and-out. The remnants of old skid row. I'm fascinated. Perhaps because most of the guys I ran with growing up in a rough neighborhood in Denver turned out to be exactly the same. Living on the streets. Substance abuse. Unwanted pregnancies. The devastation of poverty. What brings it about?

One friend of mine, probably my best friend while I was in Jr. High School, is now dead of substance abuse. They found him in downtown Denver. On the street. No home. Just dead. I always tried to help him over the edges, but he kept drifting to the dark.

Another friend, talented kid, dropped a lot of acid and went after a cop with a monkey wrench. He's in prison. And yet another is finishing a 4-year prison sentence in Canyon City, once home to Timothy McVeigh and the Unabomber, for repeatedly getting caught dealing crack cocaine.

I loved those guys, but I saw the pattern that really began to evolve when we reached about 18. Things got bad. I barely made it through high school. They all dropped out a year earlier. I made what turned out to be a good call by joining the Air Force at 19. I got shipped off to Germany and they kicked my ass. It was good. I needed the structure, the discipline, and I believe mostly the courage and confidence to know that I could achieve things for myself. That a lot of things were possible. That you can never get so down that you can't bounce up again.

My friends all had what appeared to be great parents, great homes. Maybe not all of them. But every family has its dirty secrets. I found out a few of them later in life, which explained why one guy never had any trust in anyone. That's what happens when you're victimized young. You're robbed of emotions and mental stability and trust in others.

I wonder how many of the kids (and old folk) I see lingering around 4th and Pike started out just like me and my friends. And how many have made it out.

I wish I had foolproof solution to keep all kids out of the darkness.
- posted by Mark @ 3:01 PM